Monday, 9 November 2009

Darkness

I will start talking since I don't want to lose my sanity. I woke up in this darkness, alone in an absolute darkness. There is nothing around, at least I can't see it. I don't even know if I'm standing or if I'm lying somewhere. All I know is that I am alone in a place I have never been to, and in a situation never experienced.
 
You may wonder how I have arrived to this point. I wish I could tell you that. I wish you could tell me where I am, and what am I doing here. My name is Allison and I am a 21 year old girl from Bath, England. I am a student of Art and I dedicate my life to the paintings. If you want to know me the best advise I can give you is to go to my flat and look at my drawings. Don't worry about the keys, you will find them under the rug just before the door. I've never feared any burglars since I don't really own anything, and I doubt regular thieves will appreciate any of my inside world.

All of these things don't seem to matter much since I have no connection to anything here. I cannot tell you how I am, since I ignore if it's cold or warm in here. In fact I cannot trust most of my senses any longer since there is nothing I can relate to here. All I can know is that I hear my voice when I speak, that is why I have decided to look out for a friendly being.
You may think I am dead, but if so how come I can speak? That means some of my organs are alive. I am unable to verify some of these things though. I have tried to move and touch myself to aknowledge some of these basic truths...I have touched something but I'm not sure if it's mine...that was the first moment I felt some fear...It wasn't me, but it was human; I felt someone's nose, I apologised and talked in that direction, but i didn't get any answer. Some moments later I tried to touch that nose again and it wasn't there...that's when I felt I was alone. I moved my body in all directions and realised there is no gravity here. I could turn in all directions but i didn't find anything physical. Somehow I started losing my fear then. I started feeling free...I could even feel some fresh air caressing my hair...but I am not sure of it either.

Some moments later -the notion of time here is unknown to me- I started seeing something in front of me. I drew my body towards that blurry point in the space and tried to get closer. It was a ladder. I tried to climb and I could ascend in what it seemed quite a fast pace...But it never ended. The air seemed cooler in that region, and I felt lighter with each motion.
I spent quite a long time over there, trying to meet someone, in an attempt to know where I was. I got no answer and after a while I decided to go down the ladder again. The descending part was nicer, and I could even feel scared I could fall into the darkness...
The lower part of the stair had no end either. At least I couldn't find it. The air grew thicker down there...I felt warmer and I even started laughing without a reason. I decided I was going to stay there then. It felt nice over there, joy invading me and making me feel so good...

I could still see nothing, feel nothing...but my memories started coming back. I could remember Sarah, my girlfriend. She had that perfect smile...Oh God! I wish I could kiss her again, feel her presence around me...she makes me feel at peace with myself. She's always been there for me, even when things started getting difficult. When the cancer got me she didn't leave me. She came to live to my appartment and made me feel everything was normal, everything was all right. Sarah made me know how love is within a smile, in a sweet morning kiss with the sun erasing the mortality of the human flesh.

I started feeling lonely in that moment. Sarah wasn't here and I started crying. I don't know how long I kept on sobbing...But somehow I wasn't scared at any time. I just felt I needed someone to be with me in this darkness. That desire to avoid loneliness made me climb the ladder again.
And here I am, back where I woke up. I left the ladder and I didn't fall into anything, so i decided to try and fall asleep again...maybe it was all a dream after all...I would get up and Sarah would bring me some hot tea to bed and tell me we were going to get dressed and go to a new gallery exhibition. I would jump towards her and we would make love until she would ask me to stop... I would take her hand and we would walk next to the seaside and hear the seagulls talk into the shore...

I think I fell asleep at that moment. But I woke up and I knew this wasn't a dream anymore...I was here again. This time I could see some more. It was still dim but you could see something. Now I can't see any ladder but I can see my body. I am suspended in the air, if you want to know. I am wearing a beautiful white dress that I don't remember having bought...
I heard a sound and that's when i decided to talk to you. I wondered If the sound was coming in your direction and If you would take me back to light. You haven't done anything yet. I guess you would do it if you could, and maybe you will at some moment.

Can you tell me why I can't see my feet any more? They're slowly dissapearing...Why is there a light above? Why is it that I don't feel any pain in my dissapearing legs? My flesh is burning and melting and I feel so good...The darkness is swallowing me, grabbing my body with its grasp, staining my fancy dress of fortune...
I can taste the darkness in my mouth now...it tastes like Sarah

No comments:

Post a Comment